


Waiting, Hoping

by flaming_muse



Category: Glee
Genre: Episode Related, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 20:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/789904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flaming_muse/pseuds/flaming_muse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There he is, <i>Blaine’s</i> Kurt.  Almost.</p><p>canonical, set during 4x21 (“Wonder-ful”)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waiting, Hoping

Barely pausing to wave a goodbye to Artie over his shoulder, Blaine checks his phone as soon as his first foot has cleared the threshold of the door of his math classroom and is out in the hallway. He didn’t want it to be confiscated by the teacher until the end of the day for pulling it out in class, he absolutely can't be without it today of all days, but it has been torture sitting there through the whole period not knowing anything. He wants to know. He _needs_ to know.

Of the six texts waiting for him on his screen, though, not one is from Kurt.

Blaine's heart plummets to the floor, and it takes everything in him to keep his feet moving toward his next class instead of letting himself slump against the wall in a combination of concern and frustration.

Burt's doctor's appointment should have been finished an hour ago, and there's _still_ no news from Kurt. He doesn't know if that's a good sign or a bad one. He’d like to be certain that Kurt would have let him know what the doctor said if it had been good, he wouldn't want Blaine to worry a second more than he had to, but Blaine can’t forget that Kurt doesn't have to tell him anything at all anymore. They aren't… _that_ anymore.

Kurt might already be off celebrating with Burt, Carole, and Finn right now. Or he might be waiting to talk through the next, more drastic steps to attack the cancer, sitting scared and sad, helpless, in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, maybe sorting magazines in the new and worrisome way he was sorting sugar packets yesterday.

Either way, _before_ he would have told Blaine. There’s no question about that; he would have told Blaine as soon as he could, whatever the news was. But that was before, and now Blaine doesn't know what to read into the silence. All he can do is hope it'll end soon.

He has to work hard not to tap his pencil against his desk all the way through English; he may not have a choice about waiting, but it's still difficult. He wants to know if Burt's okay. It’s chewing him up inside to think he might not be, this kind, wonderful man who loves his family more than anything and who still greets Blaine with a warmth and kindness he probably doesn’t deserve. Blaine doesn’t want to think about what it would feel like to lose Burt, not just for Kurt but also for himself. He doesn’t want to think about having another hole in his life where someone he loves isn’t there.

Blaine also wants to know if _Kurt's_ okay, because he clearly hasn’t been. It makes Blaine's heart absolutely _ache_ to see how much Kurt is hurting, how carefully he's holding himself together and how his very real fear of losing his father is creeping into even tiny facets of his life, and Blaine hates that he can do so little to support him from the distance still between them when all he wants to do is be there with him, holding his hand while the doctor speaks.

The wait for news is going to be even worse if he sits in the library pretending to study during his free in the last period of the day, he realizes as he packs up from the discussion of Thomas Hardy he probably didn’t pay enough attention to; maybe he should see if Sam's around in the courtyard or the gym instead. It'll be easier to act like he's not worried if he has company beyond his own thoughts.

Blaine pulls out his phone to send Sam a message and finds instead a text from Kurt from a half hour before.

Kurt to Blaine: _Meet me in the choir room before Glee?_

Blaine sighs out in relief. It's not a particularly helpful text, but at least it's something.

He types back a quick _I'll be there._ He tries not to wonder if it's a bad thing that Kurt wants to see him by himself. It feels bad. Kurt might not want to distract the group from their push toward Regionals by sharing sad news.

At least he still wants to share it with Blaine. It's hard to see that as a cause for celebration, really, not when it's Burt's life on the line.

Blaine tucks his phone into his bag as he rounds the corner into the main corridor and looks up to catch sight of strong shoulders he dreams about, a back he longs to caress, a pair of long, toned legs in bright pants moving in a graceful stride he can't help but admire. Kurt is walking down the hallway at McKinley about twenty feet in front of him, and with a start Blaine rushes to catch up with him the way he did hundreds of times the year before. Back then, he was sure of his welcome at Kurt's side; now it's less certain, but there's no way Blaine isn't going to chase him.

"Kurt!" he calls, his heart in his throat, because even though Kurt's head is held high and his shoulders are straight it's hard to know without seeing his face what's going on in his heart. It's hard to be sure from behind that he's not imagining the bounce in Kurt's step he really, really hopes he's seeing, partly because he's worried about Burt but mostly because he's just desperately missed seeing Kurt unreservedly happy.

Kurt spins around, and there's no question at all about his expression. He's not just happy; he's elated. His eyes are bright, and his smile is so big and open it makes Blaine's whole body hurt, because, god, he hasn't seen it in so _long_.

"Blaine, he's okay!" Kurt blurts out breathlessly as Blaine pulls him to the side of the corridor with a hand on his elbow. "The cancer is gone. He's in remission."

The news isn't fresh, but Blaine can still feel Kurt trembling with it. Or maybe that's _him_ shaking, because he loves Burt like a father, and it's such a relief to hear that he's okay that his knees go a little weak.

"That's _great_ ," Blaine says, his voice wobbling around his own smile. He slides his hand up Kurt's elbow, almost a question for an embrace he isn’t sure he should be the one to instigate, and is grateful when Kurt flings his arms around him in a hug so enthusiastic it nearly rocks Blaine back a step. He stands his ground, though, gets his arms around Kurt’s strong, slim body, buries his face against Kurt's shoulder, and pulls him in tightly. He's so glad he can; he's happy he can share in the excitement, he's so glad to be close to him, and he's thrilled that Kurt's willing to let him. "Kurt, that's so great."

"I know," Kurt says softly against Blaine's cheek, his hands clutching the fabric of Blaine's sweater for a second and the intimate scents of his new laundry detergent and favorite moisturizers filling Blaine’s nose. It's so good. Everything in that moment is so _good_. Blaine feels Kurt's breath hitch, like maybe he feels just as moved and happy to be there. Blaine squeezes his eyes shut and holds Kurt that much closer, just like he always used to, and then Kurt's pulling away, still smiling. "It's incredible."

Blaine tries to look like his heart isn't threatening to thunder out of his chest from the contact as well as the news. He needs to keep it together. Kurt needs him to. "You must be so relieved," he says. "I know you were worried." He thinks of those sugar packets at the coffee shop and the way Kurt ultimately held onto his hand like a lifeline.

Kurt nods. "I was. But it's like a weight is just _gone_." He gestures with those lovely, expressive hands of his, and Blaine smiles to see it. Kurt's been so closed off and hidden with him this year - and he knows why, he knows it's his own fault, he knows he lost the right to be let in the way he wants to be - and it's like a wall has crashed down or a veil has been lifted. There he is, _his_ Kurt. Well, almost his.

Blaine wants so badly to reach out with both hands and pull him in for another hug, because he's missed him. He's missed seeing Kurt at all, but especially _this_ Kurt, the one who sparkles and shines without holding back. It's hard to stop himself from touching him.

"I know he's not my dad, but I'm really happy, too," Blaine tells him, leaning his shoulder against a locker instead of leaning in.

"I know," Kurt says, his smile warming as he looks right into Blaine's eyes. There’s a bright clarity to them that feels like it’s just for him. "I knew you would be. That’s why I wanted to tell you in person. I knew it was important to you."

Blaine can feel his mouth turning up again, helpless to stop himself. It's not just the news, and it's not just Kurt. It's not just that he can let go of his own worry about Kurt's dad, the one that's been simmering at a low level since Burt told him about the cancer in December and Blaine made a promise to Kurt that he'd look after him every step of the way.

It's not just that Burt's okay and that Kurt's so happy; it's that he's being included in the family at all that makes his feet feel light enough to dance. Even with everything that's happened, even though he doesn't hold the place he used to, he _is_ being included by Kurt.

"I bet your dad will try to get you to let him have a steak dinner to celebrate." Blaine tries to keep his voice light around the lump in his throat.

Kurt laughs and says with a mock sternness, "Probably, but he's not going to win if he does. He'll be ordering the chicken when we go out tonight, whether he likes it or not." He leans against a locker, too, mirroring Blaine's position and reminding him of so many little chats, some flirty and some serious, they'd shared between classes or after Glee practices. "Besides, I have something else in mind to celebrate."

"Oh?"

Kurt's smile turns delighted and a little bit mischievous, setting Blaine's heart to thudding again. "I'm singing to him," he says. "And he's going to have to sit there and enjoy it."

Blaine wonders for an instant if that's why Kurt texted him, to ask for his help, to ask him to sing with him. The answer would be yes, of course. A thousand times yes. But he knows he’s getting ahead of himself; Kurt just wanted to share the news, and that's good enough. "What song?"

"'You Are the Sunshine of my Life'," Kurt tells him, turning against the lockers so that his back is against them. A knot of cheerleaders walk by, giggling their hellos to Blaine, who shoots them a little wave in return. "He used to sing it to me when I was little."

"That sounds great," Blaine replies with complete honesty, and it's not just the wonderful thought of getting to watch Kurt perform - to get to watch him at all - that's making his stomach flip. It's also the kind of meaningful gesture Kurt's always made for people he loves, and getting to see Kurt's huge heart on display is something else Blaine has missed since it closed for him.

He remembers in a strobe-like flash of bittersweet nostalgia just a few of those moments that had been turned toward him: Kurt finding the perfect song for them to sing together after school, baking cookies for him at the end of a hard week, sitting through an explosion-filled movie that Blaine had wanted to see so badly, packing a delicious picnic to go to the park on a perfect spring day, sending him a cute bow tie he'd found at a consignment shop the first week he'd been in New York...

But today’s gesture isn't about him, and he has to be okay with it, as much as he’d do anything to have Kurt’s love and attention that way again. This is still definitely news worth celebrating, and Blaine wants to, too.

"Is there anything I can do to help?” he asks. “I have access to the photocopier in the student government office if you need to make copies of the sheet music; it's cheaper there than in the library."

Kurt tips his head thoughtfully. "I know the song, and the band has the music already. I don't think there's anything you can do," he says. "Not unless you can magically bring Santana and Brittany back here to be my back-up dancers."

"Sorry. That one's beyond me." Blaine glances away down the hall because he can't quite hold Kurt's eyes as he replies. He doesn't know why he feels disappointed with himself for not being able to fulfill an impossible and obviously light-hearted request. He just doesn't ever want to let Kurt down again.

"It's fine. I know Tina will help, and maybe Mercedes will if I don't ask her to dance that much. I was hoping for more, but… I can scale down my vision a little, make it more intimate. Dad won’t care. He won’t even notice."

Blaine lives through another moment of inadequacy at not being able to help Kurt’s dream of a performance become reality, and then he spots a blonde spiral of a ponytail above a Cheerios uniform at a locker at the other end of the corridor. "Wait. What about Kitty?"

“What about her?” Kurt asks.

“She’s a good dancer. She’s not Brittany, but she’s definitely good enough to back you.”

Kurt snorts out a dry laugh. "Yes, I'm _sure_ the new bitch queen of McKinley would be _thrilled_ to help me. We hit it off so well."

"She's not that bad,” Blaine insists. "At least not all of the time.” He pushes away from the bank of lockers and adjusts his bag on his shoulder. It's weird, he thinks, to have loyalty to people at McKinley that Kurt does not. They’re his family, but he suddenly realizes that not all of them are Kurt’s. The idea sits uncomfortably on his shoulders. It’s not right. It makes the two of them feel even further apart in his heart than they already did. But at least this also feels like a divide he can mend easily and immediately. “I'm know she'd help if I asked her. Marley, too.”

“I - “ Kurt starts, looking torn and maybe even unconvinced.

“They will. And really, I don’t mind asking for you.” Blaine raises his eyebrows hopefully. “I’d be happy to.”

Kurt's mouth is soft and open as he stares at Blaine in surprise, like he’s being offered something far greater than a little assistance in a performance that he could knock out of the park on his own without even trying; then he smiles, this time more gently, and says, "That would be great. Thank you."

Basking silently in the gratitude in Kurt’s eyes as his own heart lies open in his chest, waiting for Kurt to want it again, Blaine says simply, "I like helping you." He just wishes Kurt would let him do it more often. He wishes Kurt would let him prove just how serious he is about being there for him. He wishes he didn’t have the urge to say _please, please, please, please, Kurt, love me again and let me love you the way I want to_. He wishes he didn’t have to hold back and be a little careful. He wishes a lot of things, really, when it comes to Kurt.

"I've noticed," Kurt says. There's a shyness but a sureness to him that Blaine doesn't quite know how to read but still completely _loves_. Kurt is _noticing_. It makes Blaine’s heart flutter with what he hopes isn’t misplaced anticipation. "And I appreciate it. Not just about this. It's been a hard… well. It's been hard."

"I know," Blaine says in apology, because if he hadn't messed things up between them then things wouldn't have been hard for them this year _and_ he would have been there the way he wanted to be around Burt's illness. It would have been so much better for them both. "But I'm here for you. Any time. You know that. At least I hope you do, Kurt."

Not looking away from him, Kurt nods and says in a soft voice so close to the one he used to use when whispering secrets of his heart from the pillow beside him, "I'm seeing that." It's hardly a sweeping declaration of love, but it's _something_. It feels like something important.

Blaine wants yet again - still, always, every second - to reach for him, to pull him into his arms, to press his cheek against his, to make every promise in the world to him, to clasp his hand and not have to let go. But he can't. Kurt doesn't want him to.

So Blaine doesn't move, doesn't let the smile slip from his face. He just wants to. He wants so much that when he thinks about it it leaves him feeling emptied out and antsy, even when Kurt's right there smiling at him, accepting his touch and his help.

It’s not that it doesn’t matter to him that Kurt is accepting that much, because that’s absolutely wonderful; it’s that Blaine wants so much more. He wants what they had. He wants _more_ than that. He wants to be able to take his rightful place at Kurt’s side and in Kurt’s life, where Kurt isn’t surprised by his support but counts on it, on him, like there’s no reason at all to question it anymore.

Blaine wants to be texted right away with news. No, he wants to have been at that appointment with them. He wants to be a part of the song for Burt, for it to come from his heart, too. He wants to be a part of the dinner tonight, because he's also filled with that same joy and relief. He wants to be let in enough that he gets to celebrate with them, to be a part of a big family hug, and to be a recipient of Kurt's special gestures yet again. It's so hard being on the outside of Kurt’s world, even more on the outside than he used to be as a boyfriend and not a member of the family, when all he’s wanted is to be let in all of the way.

When he thinks about it too much, it makes him feel isolated and inadequate not to be allowed to be in the center of Kurt's life the way he used to be.

Blaine looks at Kurt and tells himself he should be thrilled. Kurt is sparkling. He’s happy. He's effusive and warm. He's sharing his life and allowing touches. He's letting Blaine help, letting him in. It honestly is thrilling.

It's not enough, but it's something. It's closer to his dreams than he was even a few months ago. He's getting closer. He just doesn’t know how to reach them, not when it isn’t up to him, not when Kurt’s still holding back the most important parts of his heart from Blaine.

"If you really think they'll do it, I should text Tina and ask her," Kurt says, slipping his phone out of the pocket of his pants and pulling up his messages.

"They will," Blaine tells him. Of course they will; they’re all part of the Glee Club family. "Are three dancers enough? Sugar's around somewhere."

"Three is plenty," Kurt says with a grin. "I don't want to overwhelm him. And besides, the focal point of the performance still has to be me."

"Like you couldn't stand out with a dozen dancers behind you," Blaine says with endless fondness and admiration. Kurt was amazing before he left, and the time in New York is only making him that much more exceptional; Blaine’s seen the videos Kurt and Rachel post to YouTube.

Kurt's grin grows, and there's a distinct twinkle in his eye when he stands up straight from the lockers, leans his shoulder against Blaine's for a moment, and says, "You know me so well."

"I do." Blaine smiles, but the ache in his chest takes his breath away at how close and how far this moment feels from what he wants.

Blaine knows it's his fault that he doesn't have it at all. He knows it's up to him to figure out how to get it, all that they ever dreamed of together over the years: each other, a family, forever. He has to find a way to make Kurt want it to happen again. He has to find a way to make it all up to him.

It's a big task, a big goal, but Blaine's not afraid of big. Kurt loves big, and so does Blaine. He’s sure he can do it, especially when Kurt is willing to rely on him again, at least a little.

And even if there’s something big ahead he has to figure out, right now he can also follow through on something much smaller for the love of his life.

"Come on," Blaine says with a smile, leading Kurt down the hall with a proud spring in his step. "We’re not celebrating this great news halfway. Let's go get you some dancers."

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder: I am spoiler-free! Please do not spoil me for what's ahead in the final episode of the season... or anything else! :D


End file.
